This dress is a nod to one of my grandmothers, Nonna Olga Gheno, a relatively famous Italian immigrant seamstress in San Francisco. Two of my strongest sewing memories from her are when she made me an entire wardrobe of barbie clothes for my birthday, and that she handmade winter coats for the Kennedys.
Comfort is the name of the game for dress two. I’ve slowly been transitioning my wardrobe to get rid of any clothing I have that is uncomfortable. Any time we’re wearing something that we have to adjust, or even think about more than once, it’s inhibiting our ability to thrive. Women’s fashion is particularly notorious for being uncomfortable, minimizing our movement, and literally slowing us down. Every bit of cognitive effort I spend on being uncomfortable in my clothes, is energy lost toward making a difference in this world. There’s no way I’m letting underwire or a pair of heels inhibit my focus, distract my nervous system, and ultimately minimize my decision-making. Thus, comfort. Start with an Olga nightgown, add a little gold art deco lace, a pinch of navy appliques and boom – glamour, comfort and upcycled luxury at it’s finest. Having fled fascism and lived through a world war, I remember Nonna and Nonna striking a balance of practicality and finery... of moderation and splurging. I remember them counting pennies, and never being wasteful. I also remember a residual spirit of - "well, we're not sure if there's going to be a tomorrow, so you might as well drink the good brandy." It seemed like a very Italian thing, to delight in pleasures and the occasional comforts.
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You’ve heard about what we’re breaking away from. Now on the flipside, here are the traditions we'll be keeping.
Rings - Rings are a physical manifestation and symbol of the agreements we make with one another. As believers of magic, we designate the rings as our power objects that strengthen, protect and innovate our commitments. Dress - As we both still love feeling fancy, there will be a fancy dress - one for each city. You can see the inspiration for the Denver Dress here. Financial Reality - Real talk, it's near impossible to live as a solo person these days. We're signing the official paperwork for the tax, healthcare and next of kin benefits. Ritual - We believe in the importance of ritual, blessings and ceremony in our lives. This is why we're having a 10 year anniversary party - to mark the completion of the past ten years and recommitting to the next phases of our lives. We'll be celebrating under the full Cold Moon - a perfect time to honor what's past, and reflect on the discovery to come. Community - We believe that one of the heart-warming aspects of long-term relationships is the opportunity to witness the life, growth and bliss of one's beloved. Similarly, we believe that having our community, friends and family witness us helps share the love. Each of you has helped us become who we are and who we will be. Thanks for celebrating with us. We believe love is not about attachment and possession. We believe love and relationships are about growth, learning and helping each other fulfill our bliss. Rather than having rigid relationship vows, we commit to finding a way to being our best. If a way doesn't exist, we'll create it. We believe in a three way commitment - to ourselves, to each other, to the relationship. We believe in a daily commitment, not a promise about something we can’t predict 50 years from now. We've both spent time exploring the history and traditions of marriage, recognizing most of them are a rip off and used to display wealth. Did you know that researchers have found the more $$$ you spend on your wedding, the more likely it is to not work out? Yep.
There are many reasons we've been, and still are opposed to the institution of marriage. We believed it was unfair that marriage wasn't open to people of different races and sexual orientations. We disliked the commercialization of a personal ceremony. We don't believe in it's foundations of ownership. We didn't care for it as a religious affair (which was invented in the early 1200s). We despise how marriage has been used as a tool of power and control. And, we don't believe that the government has any say as a third party in the intimate relationship of two consenting adults. The list goes on. So. We're breaking with tradition. Behold some of the specific items on a wedding checklist we will not be doing. Engagement Ring - Here's a few reasons why we're not "putting a ring on it." 1) We don't need two rings. 2) We don't buy into the ad campaign. (Prior to diamonds, the common engagement gift was a sewing thimble). 3) Other humans are exploited to harvest diamonds. Diamonds are neither rare or last forever. They also fuel international conflicts. 4) The engagement ring was originally a symbol of possession. Expecting someone to dedicate two+ months of his salary to prove his love by buying you a mineral dug up by children and controlled by big business IS A SCAM. Nothing about that says love to us. White Dress - 1) Cat will definitely spill on it, and doesn't want to drink white wine all night. 2) The white dress came into fashion after Queen Victoria broke tradition - prior, people often wore brightly colored dresses. Then, the marketing began, citing white as a symbol of purity and virginity. Don't even get us started on the patriarchy and virginity. Proposal - Most proposals have some variation of "will you be my wife" and "will you spend the rest of your life with me?" We think those are the wrong questions, which lead to the wrong answer, which lay the foundation for the wrong kind of relationship for us. Name Change - The origins of this date back to when women had no independent legal identity outside their husband. We both like our names and are quite content to keep them. We considered making one up, or combining them, but Cuevnich and Virnas sound terrible. Plus there would be all kinds of paperwork required. Better Half - We don't complete each other, nor do we want to. We want each person to complete themselves with the encouragement and devotion of the other. Two locations, two outfits. I didn’t have to look far for the first one, it was already in my closet.
Being first-born, I didn’t get a lot of hand-me-downs. In my 30’s I made it a practice to only wear used/recycled clothing whenever possible. This decision came after working a catering gig with some friends at Nordstrom. Behind the scenes of the meticulous public-facing floor plans is a labyrinth of shelving and clothing racks. Thousands of the same shirt, shoes, ties… all in rows waiting to be consumed. It was horrifying because ultimately, it’s going to end up in a landfill. There. Are. So. Many. Clothes. In that moment I realized I honestly never needed to buy “new” clothes again (minus undies and socks). 90% of my closet is recycled. Which brings me back to dress #1… Ten years ago, I was introduced to the Glitter Sale at Goodwill. It’s a monstrous shopping spree full of all fancy things. That first trip I took, I found the dress. A soft, dusty vintage-blush-pink, satin and chiffon, Vera Wang gown caught my eye. I had no idea what I was going to do with it and it was ever so slightly too big at the time. It was too lovely to turn into a burlesque costume, and too fancy for most of my regular whereabouts. It might actually be the only label I own. But it was gorgeous, and Vera Wang, and recycled, and on ridiculous sale! One thing I learned from burlesque is to never wear something off the shelf. I will be bespoking the haute couture out of miss Wang. As I’ve also learned the art of the tease, I will not be revealing THE dress, but will give you some clues and you can use your imagination. The first big step, getting a venue.
We wanted something small, local, cozy, inexpensive and with good vibes that would set us up for a lovely evening. While we both love being fancy, neither of us buy into the commercialization of marriage and the wedding industry. Dropping $6,000 on a standard "affordable" wedding venue was never going to happen. Both of the moms went to work looking for options and found some fantastic spots. Top options were a family owned restaurant, Italian club, YMCA community center (which was awesome), small art galleries, and the butterfly pavilion (which would have been super rad). In the end, we settled on something we think is perfect. It's an old renovated church in Denver. We're quite delighted by the fact that we're having a wedding themed anniversary gathering, in a venue that used to be a church! The Whittier neighborhood is home to early 20th Century homes and eateries abound. It's ethnically, culturally and economically diverse and like most of Denver is undergoing a significant transformation. Alex, the owner, is a 5th generation Denver-native that loves to share his hometown. After two years, this labor of love was complete: a 100-year old, mission-style, historical church renovation where gorgeous eclectic design meets modern comfort. We're thrilled to host you all here, and encourage you to check his airbnb page in case you want to recommend it to friends! I asked Cat to legally marry me in what I thought was a traditionally appropriate situation. I had arranged a trip up the coast to Port Townsend - an aggressively quaint seaside fishing village. We spent the day wine tasting, window shopping, and browsing through interesting old books. And after dinner, we retreated to the fanciest room in an old seaside hotel (jacuzzi included).
Now, I don't put a lot of stock in the institution of marriage, for reasons detailed elsewhere on this webpage, but I was rather impressed by my corny, romantic-retreat-as-prelude-to-proposal scheme. It was fun, memorable, and utterly cliche. Any further preparation would likely have involved a jumbo-tron, or a ride at Disneyland. So, late into the night, as we lounged together in the jacuzzi, I mentioned in an off-hand manner that I thought it was time we were legally married. In truth, I felt we were already "married" to everyone but the State, so why not sign the paperwork and make it official? Her response? Really? This is the story you're going with. Are you seriously proposing in the bathtub? I immediately prepared my rejoinder. First of all, it's a jacuzzi. Secondly, I don't even believe in marriage. So this is already a stretch for me. And thirdly...I stopped short. Hold on a second. I'm starting to feel something. Not, like, an emotion. More like...sensation. A burning sensation. On my ass. As it happened, I'd been sitting directly on a jacuzzi jet, which was shooting magma-level superheated steam directly into my left ass cheek. By the time I stood up, the luxury appliance that I had specifically paid more to rent had burned a quarter-sized hole in my buttock. It was, for lack of a better phrase, pretty gross. It was then I realized that our "marriage" was official in the eyes of the Universe. Our pact had been sealed by a tradition far older than floofy white dresses, rings, or tax-incentivized government contracts. I had been branded. And that brand was the indelible mark of my commitment - the deal was done. So, if you all come out to celebrate us, know that all the wedding-themed accouterments are just show. The real story of our marriage is the same as any other - a respectful disagreement, and a real pain in the ass. I always knew any sort of relationship celebration I had would be a traveling road show.
Both Jerome and I are blessed and privileged to have had the ability to travel around the world, meeting friends and family across the globe. We fondly delight in the ways they’ve shaped us, delighted us, and filled our lives with tales of wonder and adventure. Being an Army brat, I grew up a global citizen and home is everywhere (or as they say in the military, “home is where the army sends you”). Thus, celebrating in one location never made sense to me. The Jerome and I celebrate birthday "areas" to spread out the joy all month long. The 10-year wedding-themed anniversary will be the same way. We'll be reaching out to connect with the many people who have brought us joy over our relationship, and whom we adore. We've learned from you and laughed with you. Like our commitments are not a one-day deal, celebrating our extended relationships aren't either. We'll be asking you on various coffee/tea, dinner, brunch, dancing and disco dates to celebrate our anniversary! In addition to celebrating all year… There will be two ceremonies: one in Denver and one in Seattle for close family. (I may take an east coast trip at some point to celebrate too – I see you Boston, NY, DC and Philly!). Neither of us can remember the exact day of our first date. We know it was before the Jerome left for Korea, early winter 2009. Thus, our anniversary area will occur over the winter months. We decided on two dates to hold ceremony with our families. We'll celebrate the first in Denver, coinciding with the winter solstice and the full Cold Moon. It's the perfect time to revel in the fullness the past 10 years have brought us. We'll surround ourselves with the warmth of our families and the Rocky Mountains. The second ceremony will be celebrated in Seattle, coinciding with the full Wolf Moon. We’ll invite our pack and wolf to guide us as we revel in love, freedom, community, passion, instincts and our wild nature. |